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Again, a warm welcome to the site and I hope you enjoy the following introductory article on the benefits of assertive communication.

Assertive Communication

Assertive behavior is self-enhancing. When you express your feelings honestly, you usually achieve your goal. You generally feel good about yourself when you choose to behave in an assertive manner, even if your goals are not achieved.

You must tailor your communication to circumstances of each new situation. Behavior that applies to some persons and circumstances does not apply to all persons or situations. Each situation is different. There are times when a passive response is most appropriate. Sometimes, an aggressive response is needed. Most of the time, assertiveness is the key.

Always be true to your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person's thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are likely to retain the trust and goodwill of those around you. Think in terms of I-messages. An I-message expresses your feelings and experiences without making the other person responsible for them. An I-message is honest and genuine. It doesn't judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the other person what he should think or feel.

Successful use of I-messages requires that you know exactly what you want and need, take personal responsibility for meeting your preferences, express yourself to the person whose cooperation you need, and be willing to listen if the other person becomes defensive.

If you develop a full understanding of assertive communication, you can choose appropriate and self-fulfilling responses for a variety of situations. All effective assertive communication, however, is characterized by a basic four-part message:
1. Non-judgmental description of the behavior to be changed.
2. Disclosure of the assertor's feelings.
3. Clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person's behavior on the assertor.
4. Description of the behavior that would be more satisfactory.

You'll send more assertive messages when you use this formula: "When you (state the other person's behavior non-judgmentally), I feel (disclose your feelings) because (explain the impact on your life). I prefer (describe what you want)." This way, the four parts of the assertion message are stated as clearly as possible and are contained in one sentence.

This style of communication requires conscientious practice. Others don't know what behavior you want modified. You must clearly communicate what the other person does that frustrates you. This can be difficult. People seldom describe behavior accurately enough for listeners to understand how their actions frustrate the speaker. These guidelines will help you develop effective behavior description skills:

1. Describe the behavior in specific rather than general terms.
2. Limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Do not draw inferences about the other person's motive, attitudes, character, etc.
3. Be objective rather than judgmental.
4. Be as brief as possible.
5. Communicate the real issues to the right person.

Expectations That Affect Good Communications

When you communicate with another person, your interaction is governed by your particular mindset at the time. Your mindset filters the information you receive and often can prevent you from communicating and listening actively and objectively.

Your immediate mindset filters everything through your current concerns, including your expectations, present personal relationships or something as simple as what has happened right before the conversation. Your long-term mindset filters everything through your personal background, your values, your past experiences and even your earliest childhood memories.
Your immediate filters are those that change depending on current situations. They may be influenced by your long-term filters, but for the most part these are factors that immediately concern you.

Have you ever left a meeting upset because it failed to live up to your expectations? Or have you ever gone into a meeting fully expecting to hear your boss say one thing but told you something that is totally different? The expectations that you carry into a communication situation can impede your ability to actively listen to what a speaker is saying.

These expectations may be about the topic. For example, you expect the presenter at a meeting to take a particular stand on a topic or reach a certain conclusion. When he starts to talk, you assume you know what is going to be said and listen selectively to support your expectations. You do not listen objectively to what he is saying.

Your expectations also may be about the speaker. Part of these expectations may be based on your previous experience with the speaker. "Oh, he's always boring," is an example of expectations you may have. But you also have roles that you expect people to fall into because of their status. These expectations can stifle communication. When someone doesn't act the way you expect him to, your expectations will filter what you hear him saying.

Your expectations also may relate to a particular situation. You may have caught yourself saying, "I wish I didn't have to go to that boring meeting." When you catch yourself saying something like this, you are expressing your negative expectations for the situation. If you go into the situation, expectations in full swing, they will create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Regardless of the reality of the situation, the meeting will be boring, and you will only "hear" the meaningless small talk.

There is a way for you to control your expectations. Before your next meeting or conversation, make a list of what you expect out of the topic, the situation or the speaker. This list represents the barriers that prevent you from actively listening and being able to communicate effectively.

Test your reactions prior to the meeting or conversation and anticipate your reactions to particular ideas or situations. Try to predict a full range of responses. Ask yourself, "If he says this, how will I respond?" This is useful in situations when you have had some difficulty in communicating or when you anticipate hearing information that will make you uncomfortable.

How Do You Deal With Conflict?

A good communicator knows how to deal with conflict. His goal is not to do away with conflict but to handle it in such a way that it brings about growth and constructive solutions. We all have our own ways of dealing with conflict, our own styles of handling difficult situations. How do you manage conflict to minimize risks and maximize benefits? How can you handle conflict in a way that increases your growth potential? The following lists are different ways we deal with conflict in a small group:

The Avoider: Some people strive for neutrality because they are uncomfortable with anger in any form. Sometimes their avoidance creates conflict or makes a heated situation worse. Avoidance can be of benefit to you if you are not part of the problem or part of the solution. It is not always your responsibility to "fix" every conflict that arises in your home or workplace.

The Accommodator: The Accommodator tries to make everyone happy. This person's objective is superficial harmony, not necessarily an equitable resolution of the conflict.  Accommodation is preferred when the issues are minor or when the relationship would be irreparably damaged because tempers are too hot. Here the solution is only temporary.     

The Compromiser: The Compromiser offers a solution which, at first glance, appears to resolve conflict. However, both sides are left unsatisfied because both give up something they
wanted. Compromise works best when time is short and both parties benefit. But it's a less than perfect situation because everyone loses something.

The Competitor: For the Competitor, conflict is a game. Power gets this person's attention. The competitive approach is best when all parties recognize the power relationship between themselves and know that action is imperative. Like the others, this is merely a temporary answer. This conflict returns, perhaps in a more powerful form.

The Negotiator: This person seeks consensus and works tirelessly to get it. Negotiation works best when all parties have problem-solving skills. Negotiators work to find methods satisfactory to both parties while keeping goals and values intact. This is the best remedy for communication breakdown.

The first goal in resolving conflict is to deal constructively with the emotions involved. Keep in mind that you should treat the other person with respect, listen until you "experience the other side," and to state your views, needs and feelings. Though talking may trigger conflict, it is also the only means of resolving it.

Talking must focus on defining the problem by saying, "I hear..." looking for agreement by saying, "I agree ..."; understanding feelings "I understand ..."; and stating views calmly. "I think..." Some people plunge head first into conflict without determining if their timing is right to resolve the situation. Some forget to set the terms for the confrontations. Others jump into a conflict without knowing if the other person consents to the terms.

Using the method described above encourages the genuine and direct expression of feelings by one person at a time. When feelings are expressed, heard and acknowledged, they are transient. When they are not expressed, heard or acknowledged, they fester. This approach can rapidly defuse emotions so differences can be discussed more productively.

How To Say “I'm Sorry”

The proper way to apologize is to state that you regret a specific offense. Offer to make amends or, if amends seem definitely called for, announce your intention of making amends as well as indicate how you will do this. If you're not sure how best to deal with the situation, describe several possible solutions and ask which the person prefers.

Assure the person that this will not happen again. In a business context, if it concerns a problem you were unaware of, thank the writer or caller for bringing it to your attention and finish the letter by asking for continued patronage. Do not be overly dramatic by using phrases such as ("You will probably never want to see me again after what I did," "I wish I were dead after the way I behaved last week," or "I am so, so, so sorry.").

When apologizing through writing, keep your letter free of guilt-inspired soul searchings and agonizing; it is uncomfortable and unappealing for the reader. State your apology clearly and briefly. Reread your apology to make sure you are not inadvertently implying that the other person is at fault; some people's "apology" sounds more like an accusation. Especially in a business context, it is better not to write at all than to imply the customer is at fault. With a little ingenuity, it is possible to express regret about a situation without accepting responsibility for it if it's not your fault.

Don't blame clerical errors on computers ("A computer error/mishap was responsible for the delay in payments."). Most people are irritated by this excuse. In the same way, avoid saying that these things are bound to happen from time to time. Although this may be true, saying so indicates that the company policy may be more inclined to shrugs than vigorous action.

Avoid a grudging attitude; if you are going to apologize, do so cheerfully and wholeheartedly.
Do not acknowledge that the company was negligent. If negligence is a factor, consult with your attorney, who will suggest the best approach to take in your letter.

4 Tips on writing a letter of apology:

1. Write as soon as possible after the incident. Be brief, straightforward, and sincere. Admit the fault straight away, apologize, and sign off. Remember to apologize only for the specific issue.

2. Avoid trying to justify or defend the error or behavior, although in some cases, an explanation could accompany your apology. At other times, however, an explanation may weaken or invalidate your apology. This is especially true when you try to explain why you were rude. In certain cases, a brief and sincere apology (maybe with flowers) is better than any explanation.

3. When apologizing for a business problem, the goal is to right the wrong (or the perceived wrong) while turning a dissatisfied customer into one who will continue to deal happily with you. Most customers will respect an honest, generous, and tactful response.

4.Mentally put yourself in the other person's place to determine the type of apology or other actions that would be appropriate if your positions were reversed.

10 Occasions That Call For An Apology

Although some apologies can be made in person or over the phone, most need to be written, and written immediately. Procrastination turns writing an apology into a major task and may mean that we have to apologize twice, once for the infraction and once for the delay.

Because we all make mistakes, people are usually less bothered by your errors than you are; write your apology with dignity and self-respect. The following are occasions that call for apologies:

1. Belated response to a gift, favor, invitation, or major event in someone's life.

2. Business errors: incorrect information given, order mix-ups, contract misunderstandings, merchandise that is defective, dangerous, ineffective, damaged, delayed, or that is missing parts, instructions, or warranties.

3. Children's misbehavior, damage to property or pet.

4. Damage to another's property.

5. Employee problems: rudeness, ineptness, dishonesty, poor service, unsatisfactory work.

6. Failure to keep an appointment, deadline, shipping date, payment schedule, or promise.

7. Insulting or insensitive comments.

8. Personal errors: giving someone's name and phone number to a third party without permission, forgetting to include someone in an invitation, betraying a secret.

9. Pets that bite, bark, damage property, or are otherwise nuisances.

10. Tactless, inappropriate, rude, or drunken behavior.